Thursday, February 11, 2010

Consider the Cheetah

Chester Cheetah: The Cheesy One was once just another snack food mascott, roughly analogous to a Cap'n Crunch or a Lucky The Leprechaun. He was the quasi-hipster, Sonic-The-Hedgehog-esque spokesman and chief animated distributor of the noble Cheeto, a food nearly unrivaled in its cheesy deliciousness. He appeared to revel in his work.
But recent evidence has shown that the once-lovable Chester has developed a decidedly dark side. He has broken free from the realm of animation and now roams the human world, appearing to those whose wills are weak and their love of cheesy goodness is strong, whispering sweet suggestions of evil deeds into their willing ears. He is an engine of chaos, driving sane women to insane acts; They stain the pure white linins of others with their florescent cheddary leavings, perhaps marking them forever as outcasts from his harem of dairy devotees. They suffocate men with the very object of their devotion, an act provoked by nothing more than daring to snore in their presence. And now, deep in some sinister underground lab, we see him performing sinister experiments on presumably willing subjects, seeking new ways to force ever-larger snacks down their throats.
What diabolical scheme does Chester plan to unleash on this world next? Only he knows for sure. But God help us all when he reveals it.

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